Julia Fox Recalls Son’s Birth — and Anger She Felt Over ‘Unfair Dynamics’ of Child Rearing (Exclusive Book Excerpt)

Actress Julia Fox, 33, has grow to be some of the photographed girls on the planet, thanks partly to turning into a family title after she dated Kanye West in early 2022, and her much-talked about daring pink carpet appears to be like.

However on the finish of the day, she’s additionally only a mother — one who’s deeply in love along with her son Valentino, 2, but in addition one understood in a short time after his delivery simply how “unfair” the dynamics had been between her and her ex, who did not should face the identical tasks that she did when it got here to caring for him.

In her new memoir Down the Drain (out Oct. 10)Fox writes candidly about every little thing, together with her son’s delivery. She additionally writes about her childhood rising up in New York Metropolis, being a wild teenager within the downtown nightclub scene, creating a heroin drawback and touchdown a task within the Adam Sandler film Uncut Gems.

She additionally writes about her expertise with courting Kanye West after his breakup from Kim Kardashian. — admitting that she did not signal the NDA he wished her to signal whereas they had been collectively.

Under is the unique excerpt from Down the Drain, through which Fox describes the visceral love she has for her new child, and the way she begins to resent Valentino’s father, who would not assist out at dwelling. She additionally discusses her finest pal, whom she misplaced to a drug overdose earlier than Valentino’s delivery, and the way she is aware of that she’s fortunate to be alive after such a wild trip.

Throughout a routine checkup on January 16, three weeks earlier than the due date, my physician delivers the information no mom needs to listen to: My blood strain is approaching the hazard zone they usually need to induce labor as we speak. I start to panic. I don’t have diapers or a crib. I don’t actually have a automotive seat or a stroller! I inform the physician I really feel tremendous and beg for just a few hours to collect my issues—and, extra importantly, to have my maternity photographs taken.

 As soon as I get dwelling, my finest associates rush over with make-up and garments, and inside an hour I’ve my maternity photographs and am on my option to the hospital to provide delivery. Attributable to COVID restrictions, solely Andrew is allowed to go to me, however I preserve Gianna’s ashes within the floral pink urn by my bedside throughout my supply. As I endure the extraordinary ache, I grip her urn tightly and really feel herpresence with me, and I do know that she is so happy with me.

Valentino has come just a few weeks early, however he’s completely good. He’s essentially the most stunning little boy I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Once I see him utilizing each little bit of power to inch his physique near mine, I’m stuffed with a love so visceral, it might shatter the earth. I’m his. And he’s mine. It’s the form of love that claws its method out of your intestine, rips you aside, and places you again collectively once more. He’s price all of the blood and ache, all of the tears, and all of the sleepless nights.

 I’m wondering typically, if Gianna hadn’t died, if he can be right here. I believe he can be, and so would she. I can image her sassing me and bossing me round, reprimanding me after I’m being lazy, and telling me what to do as a result of she all the time knew finest. I can hear her voice so clearly yelling, “He’s my son too, ya know?!” I simply know she would have moved in with me and by no means left my aspect. I can’t assist however really feel like I used to be so near attaining my final dream situation. It seems like I performed the lottery and received each quantity proper besides the final one, immediately crushing any religion I had in life.

At night time, I whisper in Valentino’s ear and inform him all about his guardian angel, his aunt Gianna, and the way a lot he would have liked her. Then I remind us that she’s nonetheless right here, inside each of us. She by no means left. I really feel nearer to Gianna in her dying than I do with Andrew in our dwelling. There’s no intimacy between us anymore. We don’t speak except it’s in regards to the child and we haven’t had intercourse since method earlier than the delivery. He leaves within the morning and comes dwelling at night time, after Valentino has already gone to sleep. He doesn’t assist me with feedings or diaper adjustments or cleansing or something round the home. The truth is, he by some means creates extra work for me. His voice begins to irk me when he comes dwelling and excitedly tells me he’s taking on skateboarding and made a brand new finest pal. I begin to resent him. How might he have time to do all this stuff? Why does he get to go on along with his life unbothered whereas mine has been flipped the wrong way up? I’m beginning to see how unfair this dynamic is.

 In the future, he comes dwelling in the midst of the day as I’m mendacity in mattress with our son, and I decide up a faint buzzing sound coming from the bath- room. I slip away from bed in order to not wake Valentino and tiptoe towards the toilet, the place I peek inside and discover Andrew shaving his pubic hair. I really feel a bolt of rage shoot by way of me then instantly diffuse itself. I’m too drained. I don’t need to argue and I don’t need to know. I run again into the bed room and fake to be asleep.

 I get a textual content from Liana congratulating me on the delivery. Although I’m nonetheless mad at her, I invite her over to satisfy him. I could have my resentments however I wouldn’t need Valentino to not get to know his auntie over a silly grudge. Her palms tremble as I place him in her arms. I see her eyes filling up with tears by way of her thick lenses. “I can’t consider you made this child,” she says in disbelief. “I do know, like, how am I someone’s mom proper now?!”

 We each begin laughing and I really feel my anger dissipate. I discover it exhausting to consider that I didn’t share my being pregnant journey along with her, however I do know it’s for one of the best. We spent so a few years glued to one another for worry of being on our personal, and perhaps we would have liked that distance to ascertain our personal identities, separate from one another. We’ve come so removed from the raggedy greased-up youngsters we was once, from that first time I noticed her on the eighth Avenue stoop in these pink patent-leather platform boots. It’s actually a miracle that we’re even nonetheless alive.

From DOWN THE DRAIN by Julia Fox. Copyright © 2023 by Julia Fox. Reprinted by permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc.